nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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