If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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