nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
