Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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