My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
