My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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