I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
