So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
