my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize