I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
