What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
