The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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