I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
