i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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