Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
