I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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