I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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