Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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