Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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