I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Randomize
