Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
