I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
