she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
