Already got asked if we're dating
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
