The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
