I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
