you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
