I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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