i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
