I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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