I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
did i walk over a car last night?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
