i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize