On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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