Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
