My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize