did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
