I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
