she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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