You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
