I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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