The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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