I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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