just tell him i said nine months
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
