He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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