My liver just broke up with me...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Two words: blizzard sex
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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