LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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