I wish life had little blips of pornography
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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