Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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