i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
