he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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