i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
