I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
