I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
whose parrot is this?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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