please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
