i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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