My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize