so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
third nipple confirmed
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
