dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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