I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
