sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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