textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize