I can't breathe out the right side of my face
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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