i want to swaddle you in tequila
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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