I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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