...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
