Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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