i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
