Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
